Do you feel that your attempts to cope with life's stressors create more problems than the stressors do? Do you use something (e.g. food, alcohol, internet)

to get rid of something else (e.g. loneliness, boredom, frustration)?

Do you struggle with feelings of guilt, shame or embarrassment? 

You are not alone. We all have behaviors that help us cope with life's stress. Most of these are harmless and even helpful, such as making a morning coffee or listening to your favourite music. However some behaviors are harmful because they lead to unintended consequences (e.g. weight gain, addiction, shame) that interfere with how we relate to others, ourselves and God. Despite this, most people find habits hard to break and can become very discouraged and deflated emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

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We could put harmful habits into two categories;

1. Behavioral Habits: e.g. substance use, gambling, shopping, internet escapism, emotional eating.

2. Mental Habits: e.g. worrying, people-pleasing, envy, chronic self-criticism.

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Here is a diagram that shows how behavioral and mental habits can develop:

In order to change this cycle, we may initially focus on getting rid of either (1) the Stressor, (2) our Distress or (3) the Stress Reliever.  After working with thousands of clients, our conclusion is that this approach rarely works. And the reasons for this are quite simple: (1) Stressors are an ongoing and unavoidable part of life; (2) Distress is a normal human response to life's challenges; and (3) Stress Relievers (regardless of how negative the consequences are) are hard to quit because they actually work to relieve stress, at least for the moment.

When trying to break a habit by getting rid of the Stressor, our Distress or the Stress Reliever, we will eventually discover that we are unable to. At this point we may blame ourselves ("Why can't I overcome this?), question God ("I pray, but nothing changes") or our faith ("Maybe I don't believe enough"). Feeling unable to change, we can become increasingly discouraged, sad, frustrated or anxious. And the distress that we feel can lead us to engage in more harmful habits.

The good news is that Psychologists and Neuroscientists have a better understanding of how the brain works in times of stress - harnessing this knowledge a number of approaches - such as DBT, ACT and EET - have emerged that can help you break a harmful habit by helping you focus on what you can control, namely, how you respond to your Distress caused by life events.

This change in focus will lead you on a journey of life-changing discoveries. You will discover how responding more effectively to your Distress will eliminate the need for a Stress Reliever. You will also discover that this approach takes less effort and is more rewarding than your attempts to get rid of the Stressor, your Distress or the Stress Reliever. And you will discover how clarifying your life values and goals will motivate you to make choices that will set you free from the Habit Cycle and put you on the path towards Spiritual Freedom and Emotional Growth. 

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Instead of being trapped in the Habit Cycle, your life will begin to look like this: